Two of my four children moved out and our beloved chocolate labrador, Harvey died.
I was bereft.
And I still had six months of autumn/winter to face before the following spring.
I hated winter, closely followed by autumn.
I only felt truly alive in the spring/summer months.
And then I realised I was wasting half my life, wishing I was somewhere else in the year.
A book saved my life or gave me back half my year.
It was The Christmas Chronicles by Nigel Slater.
Although it is a cookbook ( and I confess I haven't made any of the recipes), it is also a celebration of the winter months.
Every November I get the book out, snuggle in front of the fire with a hot drink or glass of red wine and in the glow of candlelight savour Slater's hynoptic prose.
And now a third child has moved out of our home - my youngest son, Ben.
It doesn't seem five minutes since I was posting about his 10th birthday here.
He is renting an apartment in Liverpool city cenre and living the dream.
We visited his place in The Lexington yesterday and my sadness was overshadowed by the sheer thrill of the fabulous views and buzz of life from this vantage point.
Being able to see life from a distance has given me perspective.
I have just one child left out of four still living at home but it no longer feels as raw.
The dynamic had already shifted with the dismantling of our nuclear family.
And it is thanks to my love of reading that I have found great solace in books, especially the 2,000 year-old Book of Tao by Lao Tzu which I read when I trained to teach Yin Yoga.
"If you try to change it, you will ruin it.
Try to hold it, and you will lose it.....
.......the world belongs to those who let go."
And by letting go of my role as a mother, I have started to embrace my role as a grandmother.
And by saying farewell to Harvey, we have found space in our hearts for Frankie.
But while it may still be winter, I am refusing to let go of my white jeans.
Have a great week.
Jane X
No pressure then for your last remaining at home son! yay for white jeans - a bit of snow and you would have the perfect backdrop to model them! I dont care about what to wear for a Season, I wear what makes me happy :) Your books are interesting, thanks for sharing as I am going to seek out in the library. I think what you are feeling/apart from separation is what some call winter sadness, I have a dose of it myself at the moment - getting outside in nature is the only thing that keeps me cheery - any small thing on a boring walk will lift the spirits :) Hope your 3rd son has fabulous adventures in his new home and that your new dog gives lots of love and cuddles. We lost our cat last year but made room for another, it's never the same but I try not to let her know that :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that books lifted you from your depression and inspired you to train as a yoga teacher. As Morrissey once said "There's more to life than books, but not much more!"
ReplyDeleteThe white jeans look great and both your pretty grandaughter and Frankie have both shot up! Lucky son living in the city centre! xxx
Yes he is very lucky. Its a great spot. Thank you Vix x
DeleteI HEAR YOU I ONLY HAD TWO SONS AND THEY HAVE BEEN GONE FOR YEARS OVER A DECADE!IT IS HARD TO GET USE TOO AND OH SO QUIET!
ReplyDeleteSARAH SENT ME...........MY GUESS IS YOU ARE IN ENGLAND with the mention of LIVERPOOL?
Thank you for visiting my blog. Yes I am based near Liverpool. We live around 12 miles from the city centre on the coast.
DeleteI HEAR YOU! I only had TWO SONS and am still missing them and they left over a decade ago!!Lots of DOWN TIME and quietness.....
ReplyDeleteSarah sent me are you in England with the mention of LIVERPOOL?